Deal Breaker You Got The Best Of Me

​I recently had a girlfriend start dating a man who is voting for Trump.

No, seriously.

Their first date went off without a hitch. A lovely evening in fact. And on the second date, he told her about his recent trip to the Republican National Convention.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

So did she end it? Should she end it? The latter is obviously not for us to say. Whatever your personal beliefs are here, there’s a bigger personal question at hand:

What constitutes a deal breaker?

In all seriousness: nothing has plagued me more, whilst dating in my mid-twenties (okay FINE…and now late twenties, UGH #ThisIs27).

What are we willing to sacrifice, when it comes to finding the ‘perfect’ mate?

Well, NEWS FLASH, my friends: Prince Charming AIN’T. COMIN. Every potential partner we meet is going to be flawed.

As a theatre major, I was taught in class that the most well-written characters are flawed because that makes them complex.

Well, to put it kindly: what ‘complexities’ are you willing to put up with?

As we’ve talked about previously, the more and more we date, the more and more we begin to define just what it is that we’re looking for. Because of this, there may be black and white deal breakers that you’ve already established: things about a person that once you discover, just don’t allow you to date them anymore. These generally consist of religious/political beliefs, ethical standpoints, personality traits, or lifestyle choices.

Along a similar vein many years ago, I compiled my own list of ‘what I’m looking for’:

• Funny
• Kind
• Open-minded
• College educated
• Not an actor
• Taller than me
• Ambitious
• Not afraid of commitment
• Knows what he wants

Now, if I met someone who wasn’t funny, I wouldn’t call that a deal-breaker…I just probably wouldn’t be attracted to them. I could say the same for mostly the rest of that list (except for maybe “not afraid of commitment”, am I right ladies?).

Because here’s the thing with deal breakers…often times, they come as a SURPRISE. They manifest as triggers that, maybe before you met this person, you’d never even thought about! But once discovered, they really start to make you question whether or not this is gonna work.

Example: I’ve always been a ‘planner’. Most 20-somethings are really busy, and I’m no exception-I’m usually running from one thing to the next, schedule most of my days well in advance, and am usually glued to my calendar.

I once dated a guy who WASN’T. He was extremely busy at work, and because of this, generally found it stressful to schedule much outside of his 9-5. He liked to take life day-to-day.

This drove me friggen’ nuts.

Was it the nail in the coffin of the relationship? No. But it plagued me almost daily, and I’m sure the friction that it caused between us contributed to our eventual demise. I constantly wondered if this was something I was going to be able to deal with…forever.

When potential deal breakers arise once we’ve already established feelings for someone, it can be incredibly difficult to decipher whether or not it’s a long-term sacrifice that we’re willing to make.

Honesty is absolutely the best policy here. Honesty with ourselves, and honesty with our partner. If something truly bothersome about your S.O. becomes apparent, you’ve got to bring it up to them. As potentially hurtful as this might be, it’s gonna be a whole lot worse once you let it fester, and then blow up at them about it down the road.

If I’ve learned nothing else at this point, it’s that you absolutely cannot change a person. But if two people really do love each other, growth can and should happen. Being honest about how you feel can help you grow together. Or not.

So, what’s the bottom line here?

Deal breakers can be a blessing and a curse.

They can allow us to laser the focus of what we’re looking for. When we start to determine what we can and can’t compromise, we learn about our own wants and needs, which can only help us when seeking partnership.

It’s when we use deal breakers as an absolute definitive that we can limit ourselves, and potentially miss out on a healthy and challenging new relationship. A different kind of learning, if you will.

Just because someone has different beliefs than we do, doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t make a great match. Just because someone smokes cigarettes (which absolutely disgusts us) doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give them a chance. Just because we swore we’d never date an artist, doesn’t mean we can’t grab a drink with one.

We have nothing to lose by remaining open-minded.

And if you see something in a potential partner that you know in your heart of hearts isn’t what you’re looking for, that’s okay. Trust your gut. 9 times out of 10, it will help you make the right choice.

So, what constitutes a deal-breaker? As the great Timmie Paris always says, ‘only time will tell’.