Training Your Brain to Like Dating

I’m pretty sure that a common belief amongst most single humans is that dating sucks. I haven’t encountered too many people who love spending their time trying to meet someone. We all just want to FIND that elusive person we’re ‘supposed’ to be with, right? It’s easier that way.

RED FLAG!

This mind frame leads to not enough dating, which leads to SETTLING-we’ve talked about this. We so badly don’t want to be lonely and single that we end up spending time with a partner who we know in our heart of hearts isn’t right for us.

Wow, that sounds like tons of fun and a great use of our precious time on this planet.

I feel passionately that the best and most efficient way to date, is to train yourself to like it.

Makes perfect sense, right? Who’s going to put valuable time and effort into doing something they don’t enjoy?

We have to practice LIKING going on first dates: talking about ourselves, hearing about others, meeting new people.

We also have to practice making dating an enjoyable part of our routine.

That’s right, routine. Dating should not be treated like an EVENT. If we’re lookin’ for love, dating needs be a normal occurrence in our regularly scheduled programming.

The more we do something, the less nervous and stressed out we’re gonna feel about it. Dating becomes normalized, but still special and something to look forward to, like a heightened night out with friends. Let’s take the pressure off as much as possible (and whip out those planners).

I swear to you: dating, at its core, is supposed to be fun. A deeply shocking revelation, I know. If we truly want to find ‘the one’ (still trying to figure out exactly what THAT means), our dating outlook has to be positive, to keep us proactive.

I know, I know. It’s easier said than done…and this mentality kind of sounds like preachy self-help. But stick with me-because wouldn’t your life be a whole heck of a lot easier if you didn’t consider dating to be a torturous chore? Boom roasted.

It’s essential to develop proactive habits that make you excited to go out on that first date. However you ‘know’ this person already, it can only benefit you to put your best foot forward. It’s a lot more enjoyable…and isn’t that what life’s all about?

Here’s what’s worked for me:

• Don’t schedule the date for a time when you know you’ll feel rushed or stressed about getting there. That never ends well. Let’s set ourselves up for success here, people.
  
• Pick a place you’ve been to, and like. Yes, it’s fun to experience something new together, but I tend to save that for a second or third date. What if you get there and it’s too loud to hear each other? Or you’re in an uncomfortable crammed booth? Or you realize you’re too picky to enjoy anything on the menu? Circumstances, people…
• Have fun getting ready for your date. Take your time. Work out. Play some music. Take a bath! Do whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself, before leaving the house.
  • For me, it’s allowing a crap ton of time to wash, dry, and style my hair. And sometimes applying a subtle and appropriate pair of false eyelashes... works like a charm #priorities.
• Have a glass of FREAKING ALCOHOL before you do indeed leave the house. This is probably my number one tip. I’m a social drinker who truly can’t stomach more than a few cocktails, but having one before I leave, and one (ok, maybe two) on the actual date has REALLY helped to loosen me up before I head out the door. It also enables me not take everything quite so seriously, which for me, really used to help.
• Allow plenty of time for transportation as to avoid feeling flustered pre-arrival. My go-to date spots are also usually close to my apartment for this reason.
  
• I personally like to arrive a few minutes early, to choose a prime seating/lighting location, because I’m crazy. However, there’s also something to be said for a five minute fashionably late dramatic entrance. To each his own.
• There’s a fine line and a lot of opinions when it comes to the idea of treating a first date like a job interview. I think that I tend to do so-because dating is about getting to know someone, and I like to feel in control on the first date. You shouldn’t be conducting an interview, but you should be actin’ like a boss (damn I’m good).
  • Don’t feel like you have to stick to a certain conversation formula (i.e. question/answer). Let it flow as naturally as possible.
• Stay open minded (dramatic pause for effect). I think it’s really easy to get thrown off early on in a date, whether it’s their appearance, or a small comment or mannerism, etc. “Ugh I hate their hair”. “Woof their voice is kinda weird”. “I can’t believe they just asked me that”. Keep in mind that they’re probably a bit nervous, and it’s likely their 100% authentic self isn’t on display. Give them a chance to show it to you, before you make up your mind and shut down in the first 15 minutes. You’re gonna be there for a little while-you might as well make the most of it. Stay open.
• On the flip side: follow your instincts. You don’t have to like your date. It’s always kind of bummer when you don’t, but don’t try and trick yourself into feeling a chemistry that’s just not there. Subtext: THERE ARE SO MANY FISH IN THIS SEA.
• Don’t be afraid to be honest. I promise-it’s not going to do you any good, pretending to be something you’re not. You have NOTHING to lose here…again, the fish in the sea thing.
• Please remember: YOU ARE IN CONTROL. One HUNDRED percent. Resist hoping they like you. Instead, ask yourself if you like them. Do they pass your test? This is something I’ve touched on previously, but is SO important.
• Don’t have more than 3 drinks (preachy tip? Don’t care. I’m lookin out for ya!).
• Know (to some extent) what’s important to you in a partner. What are you looking for?
• Know what you want to share. Know what you bring to the table. Basically:
• Be at a place in your life where you feel like you know yourself and know what you want.

Ok, I lied about the drinking at home tip, because THIS is the most important one.

Even on a very first date, I believe that we’re entering into a contract (even if it be a very short-lived one) with our new pal/partner/WHATEVA. By agreeing to go out, you’re saying that you are looking for something, you have something to share, and you’re open to possibilities.

Now, I don’t care WHAT those individual specifics entail, as long as you’re CLEAR ABOUT THEM TO YOUR DATE (aka, it’s cool to want something casual, but don’t lead them on to think that you’re looking for more).

However: if you feel confused about who you are and what you want, now is NOT the time to be bringing someone else into the picture, if only for a few hours. It’s just not respectful. To them, or to you.

Here’s the thing though: it’s okay to not know what you’re looking for. Hello! We’ve ALL been there. And generally speaking, dating around can help you figure that out. That’s inherent in my core belief to see as many people as possible…the more types you go out with, the more you learn about what’s important to you in a partner.

So often however, feelings get hurt when one person doesn’t know who they are, or where they’re at. It’s a fine line. You start dating someone, who, a few weeks or months in, realizes that they’re just not looking for a relationship right now.

And that’s ok…but what’s not okay is bringing someone along for an emotional ride, when your reasons for dating them in the first place were self-serving and temporary. That’s when people get hurt, and that’s not fair. Contract=broken.

I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I think most people have. We live and we learn, right? To some extent, it’s unavoidable. Feelings are gonna get hurt as we cruise the dating market.

But the older I get, the more I realize how genuinely precious other people’s feelings really are. I never want to be a person who takes advantage of that (again). That’s when we cross the line, and are using people for our own selfish reasons.

In no way can it hurt us to keep other people in mind, all while navigating what’s best for us. It’s all about sensitivity and respect, towards others and ourselves. Yes, dating around can help us figure out what we want. But I challenge you to do that work on your own time, as well.

Training yourself to love dating is all about setting yourself up for success. The little tips and tricks really can work, but the most important way we can set ourselves up for dating success is to start figuring out who we are, and what we’re looking for.

It’s not a rush…but the sooner we can begin to clarify that, the sooner we’re going to be able to connect with the right people. And eventually, the right person.