The Single Girl's Guide to Online Dating, Part I

​We live in a freaky, social media-obsessed world, where it often feels like a ‘meet-cute’ is nothing short of impossible.

Sure, I’ve met dudes at bars. Through friends. Once on the train.

But the majority of guys I’ve gone on dates with I met online. 

Do I revel in this fact? No. But it feels unavoidable at this point. We’re a generation obsessed with having access to everything at our fingertips. Why not dating?

And while we’re at it, we’ve got a multitude of options. Match is DEFINITELY for those lookin’ for marriage. JDaters take it pretty seriously too. OkCupid’s a fuckin’ free-for-all. Bumble feels like a semi-classy free approach? Tinder is semi-desperate, but #GGE.

No matter which poison you pick, perusing these sites AIN’T EASY. As Samantha Jones once said, in reference to a different type of work “…they don’t call it a job for nothing”.

Because that’s the thing-if you’re seeking love, this is how online dating must be approached: AS A JOB. Put some time and effort into it, and you’re much more likely to get something back in return.

Over the years, I’ve dabbled in Okcupid, Jdate, Tinder, and Bumble. Of course I have horror stories. But I’ve had success too! It was all about weeding through the fringe to get to the good stuff.

And yes, the fringe once included a man I’d met on JDate asking me out on a second date via voicemail (after an entirely unimpressive first date in which he’d divulged that his all-time favorite bands include Maroon 5 and Linkin Park), but letting me know that it would have to wait until the pink eye he’d just picked up in Mexico had subsided.

BUT I DIGRESS.

I recently put out a social media blast asking to hear from folks who’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone they met online. The response was genuinely overwhelming. THANK YOU, READERS AND PALS!

After consulting with them, here are some of my deepest online dating beliefs:

1. Write an honest bio that your perfect match would want to respond to. We’re trying to attract the right people here. This gives you instant commonalities and fun stuff to talk about on your date.
2. Look beyond the photos. Sure, physical chemistry is a huge part of any connection. But let’s cast a wider net, eh? Just because a guy may not be EXACTLY what we tend to go for physically doesn’t mean we won’t have a great connection in person-that’s the chemistry I like to feel, not getting off on their picture.
   1. Of course, there are deal-breakers here. I personally cannot date someone shorter than me. It just doesn’t work - for ME. Because of that: if someone starts chatting with me who is mantite (a petite man), I don’t pursue it. I don’t want to waste their time. Not kind!
3. Upload photos that actually look like you. As tempting as it may be to share shots taken with the snapchat flawless filter (I see you) there’s no use trying to fool them now, when they’ll see the real thing later. Not sure which to choose? Ask a friend!
4. Put the time in. Spending 3 minutes a day on your app of choice isn’t likely to do you any favors. If you’re really looking to meet someone, devote time to perusing your choices and responding to your suitors.
   1. Another part of this is the time of day that you use the app: if you’re looking for a mate, I recommend Sunday, and Monday-Thursday after 6pm. These tend to be times when people aren’t at work, but also aren’t out drinking and looking for a quick online hook-up.
5. If you’re making the first move: keep it simple. Respond to something of interest in their bio. Give them a respectful compliment. Ask them a question. Be specific! It’s not your job to cleverly catch their eye in the very first message. It takes two to tango, and the actual conversation is where a potential chemistry could be revealed-not in your first one-liner.
6. BE DIRECT throughout your interaction. Lord, please just be direct. Don’t waste anyone’s time playing games or being coy. Just say it like it is. Mmkay?
7. Ask questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves, even if it be virtually. And if they don’t ask questions in return…#RedFlag
8. Know your worth. Ladies, don’t waste time responding to suggestions such as “want to hang out?” or “let’s chill” (BLECH). Insist upon dating a man who will take you out on an actual date.
9. Try your hardest not to get discouraged. Plenty of people won’t respond to you. You’re gonna meet some nuts. You’re gonna meet some ghosts (if you catch my drift). You’re gonna meet PLENTY of people ya just don’t feel chemistry with. Don’t stop now. KEEP GOING.
10. JUST. BE. YOURSELF. There’s no use pretending to be anyone or anything you’re not-trust me; they’ll find out the truth soon enough. Don’t waste your time trying to craft the perfect responses. If there’s genuine potential-they’ll be interested in that (I recently had someone ask me out via Bumble after an incredibly brief discussion of one of my greatest passions, the movie Blackfish. True story). If prompted, say what you feel and what you’re looking for! Don’t worry about scaring them away. If you do?

           Guess they just weren’t worth your precious time.
      11. Keep your options open! Don’t get too caught up in one potential suitor                   before meeting them. You have no idea what they’ll actually end up being                 like. Which leads to…​
     12. MEET IN-PERSON SOONER RATHER THAN LATER. 
^^^This is my #1 online dating tip. The longer you spend chatting, the more time you’ll put into building this person up in your mind. What they’re like, what they’ll look like, and HOW YOU’LL FEEL once you meet them.

You become invested.

THIS. IS ALL. BULLSHIT.

It’s fine to be excited to meet face-to-face. But there is absolutely NO substitution for the chemistry you will or will not feel upon meeting someone in person-no matter how much you’ve enjoyed chatting with them online. 

The longer you spend texting with someone, the more excited you get about the potential. The more excited you get, the more you’ll naturally start building someone up…before you’ve even met them. This is dangerous, dangerous territory for multiple reasons.

What happens when you finally meet them and you feel disappointed? You might try and trick yourself into feeling a chemistry that just isn’t there because of the time and effort you’ve already put into them. What a waste. Not only the date, but the weeks spent chatting prior.

Or, what if you do end up hitting it off? You go on a few dates…and then it ends, for one reason or another. The potential hurt is so much greater because you’ve invested so much more deeply, both emotionally and time-wise. This just isn’t fair to you. You’re playing a trick on yourself, and acting as though the ‘relationship’ became far more serious than it ever did.

Because here’s the thing: with instant access to thousands of potential suitors at our fingertips comes instant access to mass rejection. There will be times when your dates simply can’t get enough of you. And there will be times when you can’t get over that first date hump. It comes in waves; ebbs and flows.

But guess what: that has nothing to do with you.

My friend Breanne brought this pattern to my attention and she is so right. Her advice: try and separate your self-worth from your current success/failures (Breanne’s one smart cookie).

Why did several guys in a row seem disinterested? Why can’t you catch a break? What’s wrong with you? 

Nothing. I promise you, with everything I am: the answer is nothing. You just haven’t found the right guy yet. 

IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

Think about your dearest friends. Now think about their significant others. Do you love each and every one of them? Probably not. But do your dearest friends who you love, love them? Yes (hopefully). There’s someone out there for everybody.

So, do yourself a favor and keep the pre-date chatting to a minimum. This will allow you to develop the most honest and genuine reactions to a person when you meet. Come to a first date as a clean slate and, I promise you, the results will be healthier, more fun, and the most honest.
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Bottom line: online dating isn’t life or death here, people. But if you’re looking for a mate: take it seriously. Invest a little time. Use it as a resource and a filter to weed through potential matches. Keep going. It’s all about connection, my friends. Let me know how it goes!