The Breakup

(This is something I wrote awhile back, whilst in the middle of a split. I decided that the time has finally come to post it. Maybe it'll help someone else out there?)

I haven’t written in a while because I kind of feel like a fraud.

I recently went through a break-up. We dated for almost 3 years. It ended because we didn’t want the same things, long-term.

What happens when ‘the one’, isn’t?

Well, I can sure as fuck promise not to say “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” (ultimate barf).

I suppose I’m lucky, given the circumstances, in a lot of ways. I feel 99% certain that I made the right choice, and I don’t feel like a completely ruined garbage human who has a ton of work and soul-searching to do (besides the normal healthy amount we all should be doing). The relationship ended because I knew what I wanted. And what I want hasn’t changed.

Where do you turn, when the path you’d so carefully laid out just…goes away?

Well, the majority of people that I’ve talked with have told me it’s a time to concentrate on ME. And they’re not wrong. I spent 3 years making major life decisions with a partner. And now I don’t have/get to do that anymore. So yes, it’s a time to make my own decisions, and re-envision what I want the next few years of my life to look like.

But boy is it a strange transition. Despite being fortunate enough to have WONDERFUL family and friends (whose support hasn’t been surprising, but still shocked me in its magnitude), I’d become so accustomed to having ‘my person’.

The first one you want to tell about the good and the bad and all the in-betweens. The one who you shared all the details with. The one who was your rock through it all. No matter what your support system looks like outside of that partner, it’s still the strangest feeling when ‘your person’ is gone.

It kind of all feels like a dream. Some mornings I wake up and feel like the relationship never even happened. Others, I feel that way about the breakup. I can go from feeling deeply self-empowered to crying and anxiety-ridden in a matter of seconds. I’ve always been a sensitive and emotional person, but I’ve certainly never felt myself turn on a dime like this. Come to think of it, maybe I have more work to do on myself than I thought ;)

I’ve done all the things you’re ‘supposed’ to do. Kept insanely busy. Surrounded myself with the most wonderful of friends. Concentrated on me. Even dabbled in dating again.

But I can’t help but think there’s something I’m missing here-some magical key to making the hurt just…go away. Because pain can be incredibly isolating.

But then I catch myself. Because to cruise through this grieving process would be doing myself a grave disservice, I think. It is a loss. And like my best friend Maddie always says… “feel your feelings”.

 And if I don’t, if I just suppress them in the way I want to because I don’t want to hurt anymore, it’s likely they’ll manifest later in a really unhealthy way. And I might as well just deal with them now, right? Do the work and be done (god willing).

I’m still not sure if I’m heartbroken. We’ve all heard the term countless times, but because I feel in my heart of hearts that this was right, it’s hard to figure out if I have a broken heart. Perhaps I’m just broken hearted that it didn’t work.

Because of course, as time goes by, you only remember the good things. Your first kiss. The first time you each said I love you. Your first vacation. Catching each other’s eye over dinner and getting emotional because you love each other that much. It’s only natural to have so many good memories-when you were together for years, how could you not?

And while after a breakup, you sometimes have to force yourself to remember the bad as well, I think it’s kind of nice to focus on the good. Because harboring anger does no one any favors.

Like I said in the beginning: I haven’t written in a while because I feel like a fraud-my point of view has inherently changed. But I suppose I never promised that I was any sort of relationship expert. Just someone with a lot of dating experience. And, as it turns out, someone who’s about to get a lot more. A-ha! Now the dating blog fun begins…

So, where do we go when we’ve broken up with ‘the one’? I guess I’ll have to get back to you. But right now, I don’t think there’s an answer that’s going to be true for everyone, or even mostly everyone. I can’t make a list, or tell you what’s going to work for you. It’s just too delicate of a loss.
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Feel your feelings, my friends. And carry on.